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“Jockeys” Recap – “No Such Thing as a Sure Thing”

Jockeys on Animal Planet is the best show on TV about horse racing. Actually, it’s the only show on TV about horse racing.  It follows the typical reality TV formula with plenty of awkward heart-to-heart conversations but with more likable characters.  The closest thing to a villain is Corey Nakatani who can be an a-hole but not petty and mean-spirited like the Housewives on Bravo.

The most recent episode finds Mike Smith, Aaron Gryder, Garrett Gomez, and Joe Talamo trying to lock in Kentucky Derby rides.

19-year old Joe Talamo is the regular rider for I Want Revenge, whose victory in the Wood Memorial made him an early Derby favorite.  The complicating issue is that a 50% share in I Want Revenge was recently “sold to a New York syndicate called IEAH” and they may want a veteran jockey for the Derby.

Recognizing that Talamo was nervous about the upcoming Derby, Aaron Gryder takes him under his wing like a little brother and provides a heart-warming pep talk.  It’s a nice gesture by Gryder but you have to wonder if he isn’t just a little bit jealous of Talamo’s quick success.

Of course, every time I see Joe Talamo I can’t help but be reminded of Bobby Boucher from The Waterboy.  It must be the cajun accent or all around goofy demeanor.  And for some reason Bobby Boucher, I mean Joe Talamo, likes to wear his collar up the way Phil Mickelson used to do before he figured out it made him look like a d-bag.

Later in the episode we get to see Bobby Boucher play golf with Corey Nakatani and Garrett Gomez.  The way he hacked up the course I could tell he is no Phil Mickelson; maybe Happy Gilmore.

Next we get to watch as Alex Solis, Aaron Gryder, and Mike Smith have dinner with Laffitt Pincay Jr.  They didn’t eat dinner so much as drink a whole lot of wine.  That’s probably how they stay so thin but I figure a bottle of wine per person is a lot for guys who weigh about 100 pounds.

I was looking forward to hearing words of wisdom from the legendary Laffitt Pincay.  Instead he said about five words but still managed to insinuate that Bobby Boucher, er Joe Talamo, was clueless.  Thanks Laffitt, I’ll buy that.

We return to Santa Anita where Mike Smith is on top of the world with filly Stardom Bound, last year’s Juvenile Filly Champion.  She really is a beautiful horse.  The question is whether she’s competitive against the best 3-year old colts in the Kentucky Derby.

In the Santa Anita Oaks I was expecting Stardom Bound to face a field of only four or five like a normal SoCal stakes race.  I was surprised to see a nine horse field and Stardom Bound must have been also. Though expected to dominate, she barely won in a squeaker.

I should say, I guess she won. It was kind of hard to tell the way the video kept jumping around between the track and the grandstand.  What seemed like a thrilling race was hard to follow with all the back and forth.  It would be nice to see the entire stretch drive to the wire but apparently that’s not exciting enough for Animal Planet.

Stardom Bound’s victory by a nose didn’t do much to impress trainer Bobby Frankel, who looked pretty pissed off.  Of course, that’s how he always looks, so maybe he was thrilled.

Next, Garrett Gomez asked his agent Ron Anderson to meet him at his daughter’s equestrian riding lessons.  Ron Anderson must be a pretty nice guy because I don’t think Scott Boras or Drew Rosenhaus would show up at a riding lesson for one of their client’s kids – well Rosenhaus might.

Gomez and Anderson are trying to figure out whether Gomez should ride Dunkirk (trained by Todd Pletcher and based in FL) or Pioneer of the Nile (trained by Bob Baffert and based in CA) in the Derby.  You don’t want to pick one horse and then get beat by the other; not only would you lose tons of prize money but you would feel mighty dumb.

It was amusing to see Ron Anderson just about have a heart attack when Garrett decided to try his hand at show jumping.  After the shaky first jump, Anderson had enough and shut it down because he’s “riding for $3 million in the next few weeks.”  Good call Ron; you would be a great guy to have around anytime someone’s tempted to do something stupid. Bobby Boucher may be needing your services.

Now the focus shifts to Aaron Gryder who doesn’t have a Derby mount but is trying hard to line one up.  His best shot is if Gomez chooses Dunkirk, he might get to ride Pioneer of the Nile.  For that reason, he spends a lot of time at Bob Baffert’s barn sucking up to the assistant trainers.

Switching over to Hollywood Park’s backstretch, we run into Jeff Mullins, trainer of I Want Revenge, who casts a foreboding presence.  I guess he kind of  jinxed everything when he said his biggest concern was keeping I Want Revenge healthy.  Then he emphatically crossed his fingers.  For a minute there I thought he was flipping the bird. Maybe he was – it’s probably not an unusual thing for him to do after all.

All is okay though because David Lanzman, I Want Revenge’s owner (at least 50% anyway), removes all doubt and names Bobby Boucher the Derby jockey.  Here we have the feel-good moment of the show.

While I’m happy for Joe Talamo, I’m thinking the whole time that this guy Lanzman doesn’t look like the type of guy who would own a million-dollar race horse.  He looks more like Looney from Let It Ride after selling his blood to get enough money to make his next bet.

I just don’t buy it.  Take Jimmy the Hat. Now that’s a guy who looks like he could own a race horse.  Looney reminds me of the horseplayers I usually see at the track.  But hey, this is California and things are different out there.  The owners look like horseplayers and the horseplayers look like owners.

Next we get to hear Bobby Boucher, er Joe Talamo, give the quote of the episode with this gem: “There’s 40,000 horses born every year across the world and only 20 make it in the gates and I’m fortunate to be one of ‘em.” That’s great Joe, who’s your jockey?

With I Want Revenge’s ride going to Bobby Boucher we need to figure out what’s going on with Garrett Gomez and Aaron Gryder.  Gomez is taking his sweet ass time but the always-cool Bob Baffert is apparently unconcerned.  Why?  Because he’s comforted by the knwoledgle that Aaron Gryder is “available”–I think a detected a hint of sarcasm with that wry smile.

And then we get to the absolute best part of the show.  It’s been okay so far but Bobby Boucher’s trip to Jimmy Au’s haberdashery takes it to the sublime.  First, Bobby notices pictures of very accomplished jockeys lining the walls.  Either it’s Jimmy Au’s personal hall of fame or those are people who’ve bounced checks and most of them just happen to be jockeys.  If that’s the case, Bobby’s picture may be on the wall sooner than he thinks.

Then comes a really uncomfortable moment when the tailor is measuring Bobby: “So, did you win any big purses?”  “You look like a handsome devil.”  I don’t know about you, but that’s a come-on if I’ve ever heard one.  Bobby is getting the green light.

All the while you can tell his girlfriend Elizabeth is very concerned.  She’s probably thinking to herself, “Oh my god, take him, please take him!”

If you thought that was uncomfortable, it gets worse.  Bobby’s bill of $5,948.67 was way higher than his credit card limit.  He tried several cards but none of them could cover the bill.  Bobby was relegated to negotiating with Jimmy on a method of payment.  I was half afraid the tailor was going to offer to take it out in trade.  Thankfully, Bobby promised to bring a check for the balance.  Jimmy Au said he was okay with that. Let’s just hope that check goes through . . . Mullins just crossed his fingers again.

After that pivotal scene, the episode begins to fizzle out.  Mike Smith heads to Keeneland in Lexington, KY to race in the Ashland Stakes.  At least it was supposed to be Keeneland— instead we see quick-cut shots of a muddy Churchill Downs in Louisville and the starting gate at Fairplex Park in Pomona, CA.  I sure hope nobody thinks that’s Keeneland.  I’d be pissed if I owned Keeneland. By the way, who does own Keeneland?

It was really cool to see the San Gabriel Mountains in the background as the horses were loaded into the gate for the Ashland at Keeneland.  This geographical schizophrenia explained why I saw Keeneland’s paddock right before the Santa Anita Derby.  Thankfully, when the gates open we really are at Keeneland, and just in time to see Stardom Bound get trounced.  Stardom Bound’s Derby hopes were in the can and Mike Smith is now without a Derby mount.

So maybe you’re asking yourself, what does a Hall of Fame jockey do in such a situation?  Well, he goes and screws another jockey out of their mount, that’s what.  He eyes Joel Rosario’s mount on Chocolate Candy, a horse routinely beaten by Pioneer of the Nile in SoCal Derby prep races.  Since Rosario doesn’t have the experience or cachet of Mike Smith, Brad Pegram, Mike’s agent, convinced Chocolate Candy’s trainer to dump Rosario in favor of Smith.  Smith explained it that it wasn’t that he took Rosario’s mount, “it’s just something that happens.”  That’s true, but it would have been great to see Rosario in the jockey’s room when Smith tells him, “don’t blame me, shit happens.”

One thing I like about Jockeys is that it begins with the narrator offering words of wisdom, in a comforting voice-over.  This week’s quote was: “How we face moments of uncertainty often defines who we are.”  It may be a little trite, but it’s not a bad thing to remember and appropriate for this episode in particular.  Adversity can take many forms: having your Derby horse crap out in a key prep race; getting bumped off your Derby mount for another jockey; or getting hit on by the tailor from Jimmy Au’s.

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